Causing Concern to Others

Thursday's Goals

Exercise: Cardio

Calories: 1500

Thursday's Accomplishments

Exercise: Cardio

Calories: 1493

I had a very successful day on the program. I am really happy that so far, December is going smoothly and I am not spinning into my usual December Downward Spiral. For my workout I did WHFN's Steamin' Cardioand rebounded through a lot of it.

My calories were right on track. I had a shake for breakfast (300). For lunch I had pierogies with shrimp, broccoli and a little butter (525). I had a couple pieces of peppermint/chocolate candy after lunch (110). For dinner I had pasta with marinara sauce sauteed with peppers, onions, garlic and mushrooms - sprinkled with parmesan cheese (538). After dinner I had 1 hard candy (20) to take the edge off my sweet tooth (I ALWAYS get a severe sweet tooth after eating tomato pasta sauce).

I have a funny thing to talk about today. One of the other directors at my office, who is probably the person I am closest with at work, has commented on how thin I look fairly frequently. Yesterday she came upon me in the kitchen and immediately said, "you are getting REALLY skinny!!!!" but with a concerned look on her face, as though I am on the path to anorexia. "Why, thank you!" I replied. "I love to hear that!" "You aren't trying to lose MORE weight are you???" The look on her face was so serious and concerned that I almost busted out laughing. If I wasn't so shy about revealing my actual weight, I think I would have done so just to allay her fears. So instead I replied, "Marie, I'm a size 12 - and my goal is to be size 8/10...there's no need to worry."

As a point of reference, here is a recent photo showing how I currently look.

Just the idea that someone may see me as on the path to anorexia really cracks me up. I don't mean to imply that anorexia is funny - it certainly is not. It's a devastating illness. It just cracks me up because I am nowhere NEAR on the path to anorexia. I am still "overweight" on the medical charts, I eat every calorie alloted to myself (and sometimes more!!) I never resist eating as much as I can in my program. I plot and plan for my splurge day and when it comes, I don't hold back - I SPLURGE! Yes, I am food focused and maybe a little eating disordered, but my disorder is not anorexia. I have no desire to be any smaller than a size 8.

Anyway...later in the day this same friend came into my office and said, "you know....we never get to hang out and talk anymore. We should go out to lunch sometime soon." I very enthusiastically replied that I'd love to and we decided we'll talk next week about planning a date. At first, I thought she was probably asking me to lunch because I've been pretty stressed at work lately and she's told me before that "everyone is afraid you're going to leave". Part of my stress has to do with the fact that the culture at this organization (specifically the CEO who is my boss) views administrative staff as red tape and a necessary and costly evil to keep the place running. He has no appreciation of the how the administration's good work impacts the outcome of the organization as a whole. This lack of respect and appreciation gets demonstrated in subtle (and sometimes very obvious) ways that I have been finding very wearing and demoralizing. My friend is one of the few people there that I am close enough to confidentially open up (and vent) to about these things. So anyway, I've been getting this feeling that she and another director I am friendly with have been conspiring to make me feel more appreciated. Last week she called me on the phone to confirm what my mailing address was. I told her, but asked her why she was asking and she replied, "never mind" as though it was some surprise. I haven't received any surprise in the mail yet, but I know she is cooking something.

Anyway, so when she invited me to lunch I assumed it was part of her "make Sassy feel appreciated so she'll stay" plan. But then I got to thinking more and I wondered....is she inviting me to lunch to observe to see if I have an eating disorder? Will she monitor me to see if I run to the bathroom after I eat my lunch? Is she going to watch to see how well I eat? Maybe she really is worried about me becoming anorexic. Again, the thought of that just makes me laugh. I'll have to make sure to eat well when she and I go to lunch so she won't worry so much.

I love her. She's just a great person. And you must understand that she's a therapist so being compassionate and caring is not only her nature, it's her job.

Another thing that happened yesterday was that one of our old security guards who left in August popped in to say hello. I love this guy so I gave him a big hug and he immediately exclamed, "wow - you've lost a LOT of weight!!!!"

It's funny because since August when he left I've probably only lost about 10 - 12 pounds, so it's not like he hasn't seen me since last December or something. Also, you know it's interesting - I didn't lose any weight in November but it seems like all of a sudden I am getting massive numbers of comments on how thin I look. My measurements haven't changed that much either in the last month or so, so I am not sure why this is happening. All of a sudden EVERYONE seems to be noticing and commenting.

I'm not complaining...it always makes me feel good and it keeps me motivated to know that my results are so noticeable. It's just curious to me because the weight has been coming off slowly over the past year but now, all of a sudden, it seems to be really noticeable.

Today should be interesting. I am off from work today (vacation day) and I am going to lunch at the Four Seasons with everyone from my last job. Needless to say, today is my splurge day. My old boss and I are still close...in fact, it's funny - we always got along great when I worked there but once I left, we became close friends. I think the removal of the professional "wall" allowed us to become closer. Anyway, I was so touched that he invited me to their annual "go out to a very fancy-shmancy place for lunch in December" (a tradition which I initiated four years ago when I worked there and which has continued on until today). I haven't seen most of these people since last December which is when I was at my all-time highest weight, so I will be curious to see their response when they see me.